a sixth sense cannot make up for a complete lack of common sense
the resident
-best known as May Ching-
-09/01/1990-
-19 years 1.2 months-
-mugger/slacker/writer-
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Layout: vehemency
Icon: reruntherace
Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 8:18 pm
Okay. This blog post is going to be quite different from my usual posts.Hai, we finally resolved it today, although I feel like we might as well have not talked at all. I really wanted to say more, but I saw your face and decided it was not worth it.
I feel like one of those bloody funnels in Application of Differentiation questions, where the water is running out at a certain rate. But I'm totally empty inside, I don't know what I'm going to do now (but actually it's quite obvious).
I should stop being emo here on this blog, it's already quite black and gloomy enough without me having to add more unhappy words to it.
But before I stop, I want to do a partial 'merlion'. Delicate readers not used to gutter language should skip down the page.
Right now, I feel fucking angry and confused. I've never had anyone fuck with me like this before and I don't want to have it happen again. What the fuck are you trying to do? Until now, I think the logic is flawed.
You know what? I don't care anymore who reads this. Once it's posted on the Internet, it becomes public domain and the writer has to be prepared to stand by their words.
I am an emotional person. Therefore, I am entitled to a violent, one-sided opinion like this. I am only expressing my feelings now that I no longer care. Does that make sense?
Anyway, if you won't like what I've written here, you'll know about it sooner or later. Someone will certainly keep you fucking updated on how I'm feeling.
I am trapped within a web of my own making. This is all my fault. (And you agree.) A waste of time, a waste of effort, even a fucking waste of money. All for what? To have dirt in my face. And me being so fucking irrational and all. People have committed suicide for less because you see, people like me, it all goes straight to the heart, it overloads and they choose death as the fucking easy way out.
I refuse to resort to such desperate methods, man. Seriously. There are better things in life than this fucked-up crap.
So, I'll live. And I'll channel it all into my studies. And hopefully, I'll do well and close this chapter of my life for good. I can pretend it never happened, I can twist the details, I can do what I fucking want with it. Because I'll be fucking numb by then.
Ah, what am I saying? I'm wasting more time and effort again. Suan lah.
This is so freaking fucked up.
Well. Abrupt change of topic and mood here. Anyway, I was really depressed afterwards despite everything and went off to be emo. (My Angel, wherever you are, that's your cue for action. :))
Thanks so much, Max, for cheering me up with a grass jelly drink and your funny stories. :) You really cheered me up. I swear, I haven't been that happy in weeks.
Later on, crapped some more with Radha, Pui Yeng and Sing Suen. 08S05 is really a fun class.
We've started the Angel and Mortal game in my class. So far, Hui Shin's and Desmy's angels have sent them letters. I hope Jonathan's not my angel, sekali everybody receives something from their angels except me. :) Maybe Max's my angel. But he's already my lao gong so not much difference anyway. :D
Ran 2.4km today after school with Glennda. Freaking 18 min timing, I'm damn unfit and (dare I say) FAT. But the pain felt good. At the very least I can convince myself that I'm losing lipids.
Wah sian. I'm boring myself now.
Labels: emo
Sunday, June 22, 2008, 1:33 am
Emo is the new black.I'm supposed to be holed up in the room, studying Chem and Bio but instead I'm busy blogging.
Is this normal?
I haven't got the mood to study and absorb nowadays. I hope I ain't burnt out yet. It's far too early to be apathetic towards studies.
Experiencing night after night of strange and disturbing dreams. What do they mean?
While on one hand I can't wait for school to start, I wonder how am I going to handle it. Common tests are one thing. Things have changed in terms of people. What will I do? What will I not do? What if I totally disregard everything?
So many questions, so little answers. No time to even look for them, as we steadily march onward to a grim future buried in books and notes.
What can a retrovirus do?
Saturday, May 24, 2008, 11:10 pm
Back for (I think) my last round of blogging before I hop off for Pre-U Sem. These few days (almost a week) I have been very emo, angry and upset. It could be PMS, but I dunno. Freaking annoying.
I just had GP common test and Maths lecture test this week and I'm not happy. To add to my depression, I got back my progress report. If you can call it that. Not much progress has been made.
Good: I passed everything...
Bad: ...with 2 Es and a D for my H2s...
Ugly: ...and a C and D for GP and Lit respectively.
I want to kill myself can.
And all this does nothing for my social woes. This is what happens when you care about other people too much.
Even if you don't care about your grades, I do. As a friend who cares about you, I would happily scold you, except I have no right to do so since my grades are also pathetic. But yours makes mine look outstanding. Not to mention your attitude, which is simultaneously frustrating, hurtful and puzzling. What do you see me as? Lackey? PA? Accquaintance? Minion? Subordinate? Or are you trying to show me I was wrong? Make up your mind.
I have a love-hate relationship with my class as well. Sometimes I feel that if I had my way, they'd all be dead and I'd be in jail. Sometimes I can't help but burst with pride because I'm a member of 07S08. Sometimes I wish I was somewhere else. Bloody mood swings. But I believe we can pull through. Hold on for a few more months together. We can do this.
On a totally random note, I now own the best-dressed hanger in town. :) I put my formal shirt, tie and blazer together on the same hanger and it looks really smart.
Back to being emo.
I think I'm having some sort of a mid-life crisis: as in I'm starting to question what I've been doing last year until now as well as my beliefs. I went from all-out supporting SC to hating it to now, resenting my bitter encounters with them and being an open critic. Friendship wise, I also doubt the wisdom of maintaining certain friendships while terminating others. I also heartily regret jeopardising my relations with some people. I also regret being too caught up in leadership last year and not taking my studies seriously enough. Hell, the only thing I don't regret is joining Love Fiesta and Orientation 2 2007. It got me bitten by the leadership bug.
I have to confess here: not a day doesn't go by I don't think of how different my life would be if I had joined council. (I shouldn't have written that, this blog is more popular than it appears.) After all, it was only because of one sentence my sister said (inadverdently) which caused me to drop out of the race. Yes, it was that close. I was happy when SC stepped down, because they were the daily reminder of what I came so close to having, but lost. It was, in the early days, a virtual slap in the face. But I persevered. I forged my own path and got burnt, many many times. I cried on the inside a lot.
That's all water under the bridge now. But scars remain.
Thanks Grace and Cherie, for everything you've done, the long long talks, the words of comfort and reassurance. Grace, as my OG mate, we've been friends since like forever. :) Cherie, your randomness (you know what I mean) is refreshing and I'm glad you're my friend. :) Thanks, both of you, for putting up with me and my paranoia, insanity and mental instability.
Ah Ma, surprised to be addressed here? :D Thanks for everything la, and being a friend I can talk to. Together we must jia you for 'A' Levels, okay? I will not leave you in peace until you do well. XP
Friday, April 11, 2008, 8:18 pm
Sigh.Today's post will be very emo and relatively short.
I got my PW grade today... I got a C... and I want to go and jump off a building already.
Somebody once told me some interesting things about suicide in Singapore: if you want to commit suicide by throwing yourself off a building, jump from the 9th floor and above otherwise you won't die instantly. And of course, the higher up you go, the more splatter you'll leave for the undertakers to scrape off the floor. What's more, killing yourself in a HDB area is highly inconsiderate because you'll not only traumatise some poor innocent kids who see you jump or stumble upon your remains, the price of units in the area will plunge as well. Apparently, there was a case where this kid made eye contact with a person falling and never was the same again.
So if I do decide to top myself (haven't reached a conclusion yet) I'll go kill myself in a more pleasant manner, one that will inconvenience as few people as possible. Yeah, like prepare a coffin and lie down in it, closing the lid as I die. XP
As you can see, I'm already in a negative state of mind. Not a good condition to do a lot of thinking today, as I did, about my life and everything.
Conclusions? I've realised how wrong I've been. I've been so horribly wrong about everything about you. But there's nothing I can do, because I can't bring myself to do what's right. I've been foolish, wasting my time and efforts.
Admittance is the first step to recovery.
I'll get better.
Saturday, March 01, 2008, 11:56 am
Lifting quiz things off Glennda's blog just for the heck of it.You Are 36% Emo |
 You're definitely not emo, but you do understand emo people a little. You are introspective, but not to the point of driving yourself crazy. |
I am an emo kid! Even my own campers told me so!
Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 85% |
 Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is Very High You've spent a lot of time introspecting, and it's really paid off. You are comfortable with who you are, and you have a life philosophy that you are happy to live by. And you're always re-evaluating what you believe. Because you learn something new about yourself each day! |
Er...okay...
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
 You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. |
This is kinda obvious anyway...
Sunday, February 17, 2008, 9:26 pm
I feel damn emo today with lots of dark thoughts on my mind. No idea why.If I were to die tomorrow, would anyone care?
Will anyone besides my family cry for me?
I don't think so and that saddens me. Much as I want to believe that there are people who care for me, I can't bring myself to.
Maybe it's just me.
... Great. I can't even be emo.
Kena arrowed into doing this personality test.
You are an Experiencer
Your inquisitive nature, imagination, and hands-on practicality make you an EXPERIENCER.
Although you have an active imagination, you also concern yourself with the functional elements of things.
You are willing to experiment to find things that work the most efficiently.
Getting stuck in certain habits is boring to you—you'd rather find new experiences.
Accordingly, experiences are more important to you than objects—you'd rather spend your money and energy on events and adventures than on material things.
You like to contemplate a lot of options before making a decision, and you're willing and able to consider a lot of different angles to problems.
You're open to suggestions, and often rely on others to assess the merit of those suggestions.
You have an ability to see the big picture—not just how things are, but how they could be—in a variety of situations.
Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.
If you want to be different:
Have faith that your imagination and practicality will complement each other, and lead to good decisions on your part.
Take the initiative in seeking things out—don't wait for them to come to you.
how you relate to others:
You are Cautious
Being independent, practical, and somewhat guarded with others makes you CAUTIOUS.
You tend to keep to yourself, wary of trusting others with personal information.
The values that you hold are central to your identity—you are a very principled person.
You have respect for the natural order of things, and a good sense of right and wrong.
Investigating the world through observation, as opposed to interaction, is preferable to you.
You have an appreciation for those who have attained a certain level of accomplishment, particularly the rare few who have succeeded honestly.
You are efficient—when you work with others, you get down to business, and fulfill your obligations.
You sometimes wish that others would be more like you—less hindered by their emotions, more respectful, and more private.
If you want to be different:
Finding a few close others whom you can trust will allow you to express yourself more openly, and possibly to learn more about yourself.
Labels: emo, personality
Friday, September 14, 2007, 11:09 pm
Sometimes I think that no one understands me.This happens on both a literal level and a emotional level, I guess. Like yesterday, Desmy admitted that she didn't always understand everything I said, then her eyes got a little glazed over when I tried later to explain what exactly a witty piece that I came up with meant as it involved several different layers of subtle meaning, affected by factors such as tone, vocabulary and phrasing. But Desmy is really different from the people I've ever met. (And I mean that in a good way.) Yet, so very many people dislike her, and often ask me with great wonder/confusion/bewilderment why am I her friend.
I STILL CAN'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION, NOT EVEN WHEN I TRY TO ANSWER MYSELF.
Surprisingly enough, although her English isn't as good as mine (something which she acknowledges with reluctance), Desmy understands me better than the rest. I cannot explain it, I simply accept it.
On the other hand, my mum has known me all my life. She knows all my weaknesses, quirks and strengths. But she doesn't know who I am.
I freely admit it, I've really radically changed after entering JJ, but I strongly opiniate that it's for the better. I've much more self-confidence, courage, patience, willingness to do hard work... I even learned how to unleash the sharp-witted, sarcastic and pessimistic side of my persona.
My mum thinks she has me all figured out, nice and easy. BUT I'M NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE.
Most teenage bloggers would stop writing at this stage, fearful of letting more spill onto public domain. I WON'T STOP NOW. I WON'T HALT THE FLOW OF EMOTIONS. I'VE BEEN SILENT FOR FAR TOO LONG.
Lately, I feel so frustrated and unhappy. Restless, even. There's a lot of repressed anger within me which hasn't been expressed. Some of it goes onto this blog, my outlet for pain and anger. I put on a happy face and go around laughing, telling lame jokes, socializing... but it's just a mask. I bleed and cry on the inside.
Sometimes I wish I could just cry like all the other girls in school. But once the tears start pricking at my eyes, this overwhelming wave of guilt and shame washes over me. My parents are hard people and they instilled it into me. It is a sign of weakness to cry or show other strong emotions, like anger, disgust and depression. I know that teachers like Mr Leow, Mr Chua and Mr Ng aren't afraid to cry in front of the students. They tell us it's alright to cry. The student councillors cry a lot too. They're only human.
But I? I have a heart of stone. I feel uncomfortable when I see strong emotions or what I deem as signs of weakness. I keep pushing myself so no one will see how very weak I really am. It's wrong and pathetic though I can't stop myself from doing it.
I digress.
Labels: emo