a sixth sense cannot make up for a complete lack of common sense
the resident
-best known as May Ching-
-09/01/1990-
-19 years 1.2 months-
-mugger/slacker/writer-
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Friday, September 14, 2007, 11:09 pm
Sometimes I think that no one understands me.This happens on both a literal level and a emotional level, I guess. Like yesterday, Desmy admitted that she didn't always understand everything I said, then her eyes got a little glazed over when I tried later to explain what exactly a witty piece that I came up with meant as it involved several different layers of subtle meaning, affected by factors such as tone, vocabulary and phrasing. But Desmy is really different from the people I've ever met. (And I mean that in a good way.) Yet, so very many people dislike her, and often ask me with great wonder/confusion/bewilderment why am I her friend.
I STILL CAN'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION, NOT EVEN WHEN I TRY TO ANSWER MYSELF.
Surprisingly enough, although her English isn't as good as mine (something which she acknowledges with reluctance), Desmy understands me better than the rest. I cannot explain it, I simply accept it.
On the other hand, my mum has known me all my life. She knows all my weaknesses, quirks and strengths. But she doesn't know who I am.
I freely admit it, I've really radically changed after entering JJ, but I strongly opiniate that it's for the better. I've much more self-confidence, courage, patience, willingness to do hard work... I even learned how to unleash the sharp-witted, sarcastic and pessimistic side of my persona.
My mum thinks she has me all figured out, nice and easy. BUT I'M NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE.
Most teenage bloggers would stop writing at this stage, fearful of letting more spill onto public domain. I WON'T STOP NOW. I WON'T HALT THE FLOW OF EMOTIONS. I'VE BEEN SILENT FOR FAR TOO LONG.
Lately, I feel so frustrated and unhappy. Restless, even. There's a lot of repressed anger within me which hasn't been expressed. Some of it goes onto this blog, my outlet for pain and anger. I put on a happy face and go around laughing, telling lame jokes, socializing... but it's just a mask. I bleed and cry on the inside.
Sometimes I wish I could just cry like all the other girls in school. But once the tears start pricking at my eyes, this overwhelming wave of guilt and shame washes over me. My parents are hard people and they instilled it into me. It is a sign of weakness to cry or show other strong emotions, like anger, disgust and depression. I know that teachers like Mr Leow, Mr Chua and Mr Ng aren't afraid to cry in front of the students. They tell us it's alright to cry. The student councillors cry a lot too. They're only human.
But I? I have a heart of stone. I feel uncomfortable when I see strong emotions or what I deem as signs of weakness. I keep pushing myself so no one will see how very weak I really am. It's wrong and pathetic though I can't stop myself from doing it.
I digress.
Labels: emo